Chew. Digest. Repeat.

Thanks for stoppin by. The point of the web (in my eyes), and therefore blogs, is the opportunity for community. Or maybe it's the evolution of community. Whatever. Its not about self-absorbed pontificating, but more about getting a diversity of thought out there for all of us to grow from. So that gives me the freedom to write what I think (at least for today) and not hafta give a crap if anyone agrees. Cuz it's not about agreement. It's about engaging with others, and the (hopefully) positive cumulative effect of all those millions of interactions. So interact. or don't. You're a free person.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Grace

Drinkin Coke & vodka

Gotta keep the beast asleep

Else I'll sink into dark water

where i feel the devil creep

but i cannot let him get me

so i'm ballin up my fists

he says he wants to bet me

that i can't resist

Is this a melt-down?

Am I cavin' in?

No I don't wanna feel this

I need oblivion

But then Grace settles down beside me

rests her hand on my thigh

Says, "I know that you can do this

I can see it in your eye"

So I'm callin out the devil

tell him give me your best shot

he smiles and says i sound like my daddy

Right before he, too, was caught

Then he looks right at my children

With a smirk so dead and cruel

and he says he already has them

and he's always had me, too

But with Grace right here beside me

I can tell he's bluffin' tall

Cuz she reminds me who I am

and to what i have been called

So i tell him he's a liar

that my kids are strong and free

That may have worked on my daddy

But it won't work on me


So I let my words just ring there

And I pull my Grace real close

Feel her strength still linger

As i offer up a toast

"Here is to all new beginnings

And to the lies they leave behind"

And to my Grace credit the winnings

She's all the Good I need to find

"Here is to all new beginnings

And to the lies they leave behind"

And to my Grace credit the winnings

She's all the Good I need to find

Songs In The Key of Free

Conscientious objector to the war in my mind

Been starin at the stars til my heart’s gone blind

Swung too wide, missed the turn, I was going too fast

Couldn’t navigate the curve when you brought up my past

Why do I fall hard for the feminine smile?

I think I'll just sit here and bleed for awhile

Had my eye on the ball musta lost it in the sun

Resolute like a coward with nowhere to run

Resolute like a coward with nowhere to run


I've been readin the clouds, ain't no good news at all

They all seem to know just 'fore I'm gonna fall

Daddy said that I'd never be much more than him

Been trying to outrun that old man since then

Guess I still haven't found just what I'm lookin for

When I'm grindin these gears with my foot on the floor

Been seeing you move from the corner of my eyes

But I can't hold the rays when the sun burns the skies

No I can't hold your gaze when the sun yearns for skies

You patiently waited thru all my felonies

And you always swing by when I'm down on my knees

You call me your friend tho I show you my worst

Say sit here a while and I'll quench your thirst

And I'll do you no harm, my young friend, you'll see

And I'll sing you my songs in the key of free

This will hurt you some, I will tell you no lie

But I'll be here to catch every tear that you cry

Yeah I'll be here to catch every tear from your eye

Religion Can't Heal Me

The Danger of Religion in a Broken Man

I had a point of clarity last nite regarding why I have such a strong aversion to religion and posturing. I was surprised to realize that alot of it has to do with fear. I look into the real dark parts of me, and I see how weak and worthless religious posturing is to actually change any of it.

When I feel out of sync with the church family around me, I want to try harder to make that dissonance go away. The problem is that I know that what makes me feel different is down way deep, and is very, very bent. I feel like a charlatan, a fake, or worse: a predator. So I try harder to be good. To read my Bible. To sing passionate songs. To pray fervently. All of these things are stacked up on the surface of me, with the hope that the good of these activities will somehow "sink in" and effect some kind of root change. But it doesn't. It hardens on the surface and creates a false, religious, exoskeleton. One that comes with a mirror on the inside so I can see how full of shit I am and how different the outside man looks from the dark man i feel struggling for control down deep.

"But Jesus lives inside of you, so there is no dark..."

I haven't been able to reconcile that yet. Every time I think I get a handle on it, darkness squeezes out somewhere else. Same mocking, haunting, taunting voice. And yes, Jesus does dwell inside, too. That brings great comfort, as He holds a larger and larger piece of real estate in me as time goes by. But it also increases that sense of a deep rift internally. Jekyll & Hyde. And Hyde is one terrifying bastard.

I painfully, grudgingly, look back at the hell I came out of, and it horrifies me to think about what that did to me. How much of that was sealed up inside of me when I slammed the vault door and spun the lock?

The net effect is that I walk around my life, living it only from the point I was 15 on. everything before that is locked away in an internal abyss. So I exist on two levels: the adult that knows redemption, that sings about it, that works toward healing and wholeness. But the other level feels wholly emotive, primal, bent. The part that swallowed all the trauma of gowing up in an environment of perpetual beatings, sexual abuse, mental torment, and then told by that same monster that I needed to forgive him or God would never forgive me.

How does a 9 year old boy deal? He doesn't. he takes all that devastation, opens real wide, and swallows it way, way, way down. But it doesn't stay down there quietly without a lot of feeding. So I find myself struggling thru-out my life with various forms of self-medicating, just to try to cope and create/maintain a semi-normal life. While everyone around me looks like they are "working out their salvation" on a wholly different level, and with no idea of the level of depravity that is entombed inside me.

But now I'm 34, and I can't keep ahead of it. I can't keep the frenetic pace, and I feel the swell rising up periodically inside. And I know that the only thing that is bigger and stronger is something very, very real with God. Only in those moments, when I know that it is nothing that I have manufactured (religion), when His massive grace and power surround me and change something I thought was un-do-able. That is my only hope of ever seeing these demons really exorcised. Of ever being really free. If it comes from me, it is false, futile, impotent. Only He is powerful enough to change what I think is unchangeable and heal what I can't even touch.

So I'm torn up by all these competing passions, and I can't achieve any equilibrium, because they won't cohabitate. Jesus, the Darkness, my love for my family, my craving for oblivion, my Destiny (in Him), the image I see of that wretched boy, the man that I try to portray, the man I fear I am...

I get this sense that there is a foot race going on inside. The godly man, working toward his Destiny. Learning to be a son, an intimate of Jesus. Walking in increasing measures of faith and trust and power. This man could grow into a Psalmist, a Prophet, an Apostle, a Leader, a powerful force for Jesus calling Heaven into Earth, bringing Light into great darkness. But in the other lane is the Dark man. Driven, dissatisfied, violent, scheming, manipulating, deceiving, predatory. This man could be (at best) a drunk, a broken, addicted philandering waste of life. At worst, a cruel, calculating manipulator of people around him, a monster, a killer. I honestly don't know. That's the part that scares me the most. I look down into those shadows, and they don't seem to have a bottom.

That is why I get pissed when I see my own religious posturing, or when someone else tries to foist their religious control onto me. It won't heal. It's impotent to fix what's really driving me. So it adds to the schism, adds to the anxiety, the dissonance. The more different the outside appears from the inside, the more I hate myself and feel hopeless to ever change. The more powerful the Darkness appears. In it's total inefficacy, it solidifies the perception of the permanence of the Darkness. That is why it is dangerous. That is why I get so worked up. It is not the zeal of the Lord, or at least not all of it. It is raw fear that I can't control what's buried in me, and you are giving me a can of paint and a brush to make myself look pretty.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Struggleground

I just realized my heart is so heavy
because it's made of stone
what a big suprise- i wasn't ready
to learn i'm not alone

Cuz I been talking to my perception
Instead of who you really are
But this place is not like Heaven
So I live a world apart

My struggleground is disbelief
And it's as patient as water
leave me like a ship wrecked on a reef
soon as I doubt the heart of my Father

i guess i'm deaf from all my shouts of pain
so I'm trying to read your lips
And I'm full of the wrath of the slain
So you offer me a kiss

When You step inside my deepest places
and whisper that you're near
You cross that great divide with your secret graces
meeting me here

such a mystery
not just for me
such a mystery
Love died as me
I believe
Lord help me in my unbelief
I believe
Lord help me in my unbelief

Love Would Love to Love You

It hurts just to think it
This glorious secret
Been hiding right here in front of me
Eyes that are blinded
Look but won't find it
Lord open my eyes so I can see

Rush to begin it
then rush to the ending
But You're not looking for that
the point's not the ending
But the befriending
so i need to lay down and just relax

Love would love to love you, son
I never told you you're the one
to complete what you never begun
Cuz Love just wants to love you son

why do i think i
can finish your design
when i cannot even hear your thoughts
cuz I'm just too worried
too scared and too scurried
to see you connecting all the dots

Cuz when all the fear comes
I forget I'm a freed one
and again i start racing around
But You're gently whispering
all shiny and glistening
I can lay my burden down

Love would love to love you, son
I never told you you're the one
to complete what you never begun
Cuz Love just wants to love you son
Love would love to love you, son
You are not the only one
to defend what you've begun
but Love just wants to love you son


Ohhh, seeking comfort is not the Kingdom
But seeking the Comforter is

Loaded Gun

My heart is beatin this rhythm
Keeps me walkin in time
Sometimes I like my prison (but I)
I hate walking this line

When my hands aren't able
To lift my skies so leaden gray
When my heart's not faithful
Can't lift my eyes to meet Your gaze

Cuz in my mouth's a loaded gun
But in my heart's the Risen Son
He's bringing me into the light
When I choose to trust instead of fight

He said "if you would just quit doubting me
I'd have the room to make you free
And if you'd quit bracing for the pain
I could open your hand and take the chain
Cuz I want to show this world in fear
how freedom comes when I draw near
But how can they know until they see
my smile reflected in the free

Cuz in your mouth's a loaded gun
let me aim it true my chosen son
And I'll use your words to shine my light
into heart's too tired to fight

Every Dying Man

Will You take my call
Break my fall
take my cup and drink it all

my heart's a seive
i start to live
it all drains out til i forgive

but i'm not like You
I'm caught in glue
You see me red, all i see is blue

not sure i grow
not sure i know
if i'm full of shit or true as snow


You are the Beauty on the lips
Of every dying man
You are the Beauty on the lips
Of every dying man

my soul is bent
my birthright lent
to the terrorist that sent

me back in shame
but you speak my name
off my ankle falls the chain

Your voice is free
It calls to me
With haunting love and liberty

Beloved son
my favorite one
just take my hand and we will run


You are the Beauty on the lips
Of every dying man

You are the Beauty on the lips
Of every dying man
You are the rock under my feet
Instead of my castles made of sand
You are the Beauty on the lips
Of this dying man

Back To Fear

I let you run free thru my head

I let you run free thru my bed

I let you run free thru my dread

Now I'm here alone

I gave you all my promise rings

I gave you all my honest things

I gave you all the songs I sing

Now I'm here alone

Alone down in my bones

Where did you go?

How did you feel?

The lies that you told

how I wish they were real

Your noose round my heart

Your lips on my ear

You loved at the start

but ran back to fear

I want my laughter in your mind

I want my mountains in your climb

to find my diamonds in your mine

but I am here alone

I found my poison in your stinger

I found my weakness in your linger

I found my tattoo on your finger

But now I'm alone

Crushed under your stones